Are U Stalking Me??

Here I am

2011-11-18T00:54:00.001-08:00

It's been soooooooo long since I've posted.

Life is still crayzay. I think I'm at a happer place than I have been in a long long time. I've read the last few posts and think that i was pretty fucked up for a while.

I'm really glad to be in a better place.

I am still with my husband. We've been together 10 years. We have our ups and downs. Trying to make it so we have more ups. He finally got a job and while it's not exactly what I would have wanted for him, I am glad he is working. and I am proud of his advancements.

I still don't have a job, but stumbled upon photography for a few months, got some wedding and portrait jobs which was pretty cool.

I went to school and got enough hours to take my test to become a Cosmetology Instructor, which is awesome, but the tests cost money to take, which I don't have right now. :(

Also, I just had a baby boy. Well, not "just" he is three months old today. He is amazing and healthy and fat.

I am looking forward to the end of this year. Looking forward to getting my body back and possibly making a new one. I want to start scrapbooking again. I am thinking of homeschooling my kids. Continuing to be happy. My sister's birthday is today. Gonna take some flowers to her grave later.

First post in a long, long time

2011-01-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

I got fired today. I guess it was a long time coming.

So I will enjoy some time off, spend it with my family, and find a new job.

I'll be starting school soon at Vogue College to get my Cosmetology Instructor's License. I've always wanted to do that.

All I have to say is I think I'm ruined for people for a while. Won't be able to trust. But I know I'll get over it. And I'll be fine.

here i am

2010-03-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

still here. on a positive note- i am debt free- something I have been aspiring to be for about 10 years. I rewarded myself with a credit-debt-free spending spree. Hit my favorite stores NY&Co, Benefit, and Lush. A bit happier. Retail therapy works sometimes. Still working on my addictions. And the bad romance. Working on keeping my marriage. Hoping to be married for another 6 years if not more, lol. It'a a constant battle. The fact that I am a diva doesn't help. Neither does the fact that my husband is annoying. bwahahah. I really love him. If I didn't, I wouldn't even try.

February 12, 2010

2010-02-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Almost surreal to see the date. I suppose in a way, I am doing something futuristic. But not as futurisic as it would seem to want, according to the date.

I am doing something very old. Writing down my thoughts, as so many people before me.

Watching the Winter Games on the TV. They showed the luger's death. Over and over again. If this is the future I don't want it. The utter disregard for human life. What is that? How disrespectful. The network should be ashamed of itself. But why am I not suprised? Because the network should know by now that if we wanted to see it, we could get it on the internet.

I am still sick.

Everyone is sick, actually. It is very strange. Really everyone has this crud, this congestion, sickness..

I have a headache.

nothing to see here

2010-02-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

I am pms-ing, sick, exhausted,and just plaint tired.

done.

2010-02-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

I really dont know what's happening to my life. Right now I am so so sick. I have a fever, am sweaty and cold, etc. But had enough energy to throw all of my daughter's clothes away that were on the floor in her bedroom. She throws them everywhere and doesn't pick them up and I am sick of it.

I want to divorce my husband. It's been about 10 years of bullshit with some really great attraction there, but I don't know where it's going and I truly am sick of him. His hoarding problem is out of control. He has major ADD. Really. He has no motivation. He is jobless and education-less. He rarely completes anything. If he does, it's because I am the bitch that is pushing him to complete. I just want to leave.

I don't know what to do. My house is a complete wreck. And has been since we moved into it 5 years ago. We have not been able to do anything downstairs because yet another one of his projects- the flooring downstairs- is incomplete- with no finish in sight. There is no room for anything down there right now. And at this point if I have to leave with nothing- including my kids, I am almost willing to take that risk.

The chaos that resides in my household right now is nothing I can talk about with anyone. It truly don't feel like anyone cares enough about me to honestly just LISTEN. Or understand.

I am just so DONE. I am done being a wife, a mom, the responsible one, etc.. I am going out of my mind and I just don't know what to do. I want to curl up and die, honestly, if words could describe they way I feel now. I feel like a failure.

I need to find a good job. I fel like such a loser. I let my cosmetology lisence expire because I thought I still had time and honestly I didn't have the money to renew it. Story of my life. I never have money. I work at a place that hasn't paid me since june. I have to go back to State Board and take my tests all over again. Of course, because I have so much free time to study and all that shit.

I am fat. I always will be fat. I hate my body. And I also hate the fact that I can't take care of myself. I have let myself go. I am depressed. I am angry. I have no control over myself. I have lost myself in a bad relationship, bad decisions, and just bad luck over the last decade or so. I just really hate who I am and where I am right now.

I miss my sister. And I wonder why because I was always saying how toxic she was to me. Why do I want her back? why do I miss her? On Thursday it will be a year since she passed. and I am in a much worse place than before. I am overwhelmed and utterly depressed. I can't find my way back to the place where I knew how to be happy. I just don't know what to do. I can't be here anymore.

Feeling the Recession

2009-11-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are kinda jobless. Both of our jobs are in a transition.

I am not working/not getting paid because my workplace was not able to pay me and we are moving locations, unfortunately the building will not be ready for another few weeks.

My husband's job is closing permanently and are moving the entire office to another location to be stored. That is what his job is right now- moving the office.

I'm online trying to find out what I'm gonna get my kids for the Holidays and like every other fool I will be doing Black Friday.

There is nothing available online anymore. The only place you can find anything anymore is Ebay and it's starting to get quite annoying because the prices are not low at all. I think what people are doing is buying up everything in the stores and then selling it on Ebay to make money. Very interesting.

Disconnect

2009-11-18T13:52:00.001-08:00

Today was her birthday.

My children are getting increasingly and increasingly annoying.

I haven't talked to any of my friends in a while. Facebook doesn't really count.

Money is more than tight. It is non existant.

I have been trying to wrap my brain around the fact that neither my husband nor myslef have jobs. It really is unsettling.

I have not been getting paid at my job for about 6 months now. I can't afford it anymore. It is COSTING me money to go to work right now and I don't know how much longer I can last. I was telling myself until the end of the year, but honestly I don't know how long it can last. :(

There has been a lot of yelling and disorganization and chaos at my house lately.

I am fat. I can't seem to get back on track.

My mind is clouded with addiction. To food. To facebook. To doing nothing. To watching tv. To being sad. To being sedentary. Among other things. And it makes me mad.

It makes me mad because I know we (me, my household, my husband, my kids) are capable of more and better, yet it seems every step I take forward comes two steps back.

Summer Vacation 2009

2009-09-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

Summer Vacation 2009

2009-09-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

Lots of Changes on The Horizon

2009-09-01T14:25:00.001-07:00

Lots of changes on the horizon for our family. One thing that is always constant is change. It has and obviously continues to be a crazy year.

Serioulsy, the nicest thing

2009-07-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

Check out Pinky's Blog.. this is seriously one of the nicest things anyone's ever said about me. I really try to be a good person and "fight the good fight", but I'm not perfect and sometimes I feel like no one gets me and sometimes I don't even get myself. Pinky got me. I have chills. And I am sooooooooooo thankful. Seriously. So freaking cool.

Texas Tally Rally 2009

2009-07-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

Had a blast at Rockin' R Retreats where the 2009 Tally Rally was held. On the way there went to Archiver's and almost pooped my pants it was so awesome. Met a lot of really awesome, talented ladies. Got my drink and pole on. Scrapped a bit. Did dirty things in the corn field. Got some henna done and did some henna. Ate fresh BBQ made by real southern men. Smoked lots of cigarettes. Took lots of pics. Had a great time, man. Want to do it again.

2009-07-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

Texas Tally Rally 2009

2009-07-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

2009-07-29T07:45:00.001-07:00

2009-07-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

2009-07-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

2009-07-29T07:41:00.001-07:00

2009-07-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

In Case You Didn't Know....

2009-06-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

Cervical Cancer is caused by a virus called HPV.

HPV is a sexually transmitted virus. At least 50% of the sexually active population has HPV.

A person can have HPV even if they haven't had sex in YEARS.

If you have sex or any kind of sexual contact (intercourse in not necessary) with someone who has HPV without protection, you now have HPV.

Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV, and another 6.2 million people become newly infected each year.

About 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time.

Cervical cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2008, 11,070 women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer in the U.S.

Other HPV-related cancers are much less common than cervical cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2008, there will be:

•3,460 women diagnosed with vulvar cancer;
•2,210 women diagnosed with vaginal and other female genital cancers;
•1,250 men diagnosed with penile and other male genital cancers; and
•3,050 women and 2,020 men diagnosed with anal cancer

Just in case you didn't know.

Adding Insult to Injury

2009-05-27T11:04:00.001-07:00

My BIL has started "dating". I really don't have a problem with what he does as an adult. I know people have needs. I also know that he and this "girl" as he calls her knew each other before my sister died.. My sister made mention of her to a family member. She was not happy about my BIL being in contact with this person.

Not only is he dating, but he is taking my niece out with them. Introducing my niece, his daughter, to this person. And this person has been around the house, possibly LIVING there. This person has a baby. What woman in her right mind would touch him with a ten-foot-pole right now? And who introduces their kids to people they are dating? I don't give a shit who she is, she could be the fucking queen of fuckign England, she should not be around my niece at all rigt now. Taking it slow. Bullshit. My sister hasn't been dead for FOUR months. And he says he fell out of love with her two years ago as if that makes it so much better. No surprise.

No wonder he wanted my Mom out of there so fast. He complained and whined about my Mom being there. No one could figure out why he would toss out the Grandmother of his child, and some of his only help in such a way. Now we know why. My Mom has said that this person has been around before to DO HER LAUNDRY. Ugh. My niece has been knowing this person only a month after her MOTHER DIED.

We wondered why it was that our family was cut off from them. Why he never called. We now know why. It's because he didn't want anyone to know. And if all of this is so OK, why hide it? Why not just come out and say it? Because I am not one to keep my mouth shut. Because he doesn't want to hear from me that he and his daughter need help. In so many more ways than one. But he refuses to see it. And he refuses to get help. My niece has not been to bereavement counseling and I doubt if she is still in individual counseling. What counselor is going to tell him that this is ok for his daughter?

He has taken all pictures down of my sister. My niece will forget her. She is so young it will not be hard to do. And so what is happening now? He has replaced my sister with someone who obviously can't make good decisions otherwise why would she be there? this just reiterates the fact that he needs major help. His needs are coming first and not my nieces. The only one who will suffer in the long run from all of this is his daughter. There is no way that if he is dating someone, he can be putting my niece first. There is no way.

I have seen first hand and have heard from people not even in the family that my niece is out of control. That she needs help. Why are they not getting the help they need? Oh, that's right, they don't need help- they are fine. Bollocks. She is 6 years old. I wish someone would start caring about her in all of this. Why do I seem to be the only adult who is speaking on her behalf?

So what happens if this "relationship" doesn't work out? Has anyone thought about how that might impact her? No, of course not.

I am just shocked and disgusted by all this and I can't believe that this is happening.

2009-04-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

EASTER 2009

2009-04-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

2009-04-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

Passover 2009

2009-04-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

OK

2009-03-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Feeling a *little* better... Trying to take a few steps back. Too involved. Just so busy. Not enough hours in the dy. Issues. Setbacks. So tired. Exhausted. Working. Hair. Trembling. I am just scared. Losing confidence. Fast and slow. Angry and happy. I am a Mom. I have to be here.I am so tired. Wondering if I can do this for very much longer and wondering what is going to give. Decisions.

Just not

2009-03-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just not equipped to handle this.
Just not ready for this.
Just not something I ever thought I would let happen to my child.
Just not something I can let go.
Just not what I needed right now.
Just not fair to my child.
Just not helping me want to be close to anyone.

Garner

2009-03-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

Weird

2009-03-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Had another dream about her. Where I am driving or something and catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. Keep trying to see her but can't. and realize I'm dreaming so it's not real at all.

Significant

2009-03-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

I had my first dream about her yesterday during my nap. I haven't remembered a dream in forever and I have NEVER had a dream about my sister, so this is significant.

We were walking at Garner State Park, where we have walked before. It felt SO REAL. My sister was next to me. She looked so beautiful- exactly as she had the day of my nephew's (her son)wedding.

I suddenly realized "Hey, I am walking at Garner with Margaret! This has to be a dream. It can't be happening."

I told her, "What are you doing here? You're sick, you're dead, you can't possibly be walking here."

And she said, "Well, I was before, but I'm not any more."

Before I change my mind

2009-03-05T09:58:00.001-08:00

The following is a graphic account of my sister's last night alive. I sat next to her the entire night. You may be wondering why I am posting this, it is simply so I never forget. So I never forget how I want to die and how I never forget the feeling of wanting NO ONE to ever have to die this way. I put in all the details so you know what she went through and so you can hopefully make a choice when it's your time.....

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

February 10th and 11th, 2009 middle of the night, early morning.

"There is nothing more we can do."

Many factors contribute to the fact my sister is dying. Ignorance. Denial. Lack of communication. Old- school medicine. Cancer. One fact remains horribly obvious- she will die, and soon.

Despite her grotesquely swollen legs and lower abdomen, the rest of her has shrunken to almost nothing but skin and bones. She has the apprearance of someoen 50 years older than her 48 years. Her ostomies are only outputting blood at this point, her intestines and stomach full of cancer that has metastisized from her uterus and pelvic area.

Almost two weeks ago we were told by her Doctor that "there is nothing more we can do." They removed her IV and TPN (liquid nutrients- food, basically) due to her extreme swelling of her lower extremities and the fact that all her fluids weren't "going anywhere"- she was retaining fluid and not digesting food- it was all still in there (her body).. He gave her 24-72 hours to live.

Two weeks before that, he gave her less than a year. And two months before that, I was told the cancer was treatable.

I am sitting here in a chair next to my sister's deathbed- an air mattress- "to prevent bedsores"- so they don't have to turn her which, in her condition, causes excruciating, unnecessary pain.

I am sitting here listening to a woman struggling to breathe, moaning with every gasp of breath. Her mouth has become rotten and bloody. Surprisingly, her breath is not bad, it actually just smells like stale, not the stench you would imagine. Her mouth looks bad. It has almost crusted shut, I don't know how she is breathing through it. It pains me to see it. Her pretty lips are not the same. Actually NONE of her is the same. She has morphed into something I don't recognize and I am scared.

We were told two weeks ago and every day since then that her passing will be peaceful. So far it has been anything but.

That we allow our loved ones to die moaning in pain, gasping, drowning in their own fluids, no food, no water, starving to death is a travesty. A disgrace. An outrage. We don't as a society condone torture, yet how can we describe what is happening here? Before my sister lost "coherence" she begged myself and my BIL to help her. But we can't.

Our beloved pets, even though they are "lower life forms", at the very THOUGHT they would suffer a horrible, painful death are allowed a dignified passing, a peaceful passing with their loved ones near. How quickly the animal activists would pounce on it if it were *gasp* (God forbid!) ANIMALS made to suffer.

And yet here we still sit. My poor mother watching her daughter suffer and drown. Trying desperately to do anything to calm her daughter.

Me, watching the clock. Waiting for the next time she jerks and convulses, struggling for breath. Waiting for the 15 on the clock to call for meds because the nurse won't come early but she sure as hell doesn't mind to come 5-30 minutes late.

She tries to speak, only her mouth has been open for so long her lips are cracked and bleeding. Her tounge, which once helped her speak, is stuck- glued by old saliva, blood, and bodily crust- to her mouth, dried and dying like the rest of her.

This is not the way to die. My sister does not deserve this.The lowest of the low deserve this. Child rapists and killers deserve this. I am shocked and confused as to why people are allowed to die like this. I simply cannot wrap my brain around it.

My sister CAN FEEL. She CAN HEAR. Bullshit to everyone who says she can't. She CAN. Tell me she can't feel while she's moaning in pain and gurgling through her moans becasue she can't breathe, and what breaths she takes are excruciating. The medical establishment tell us she can't feel because they can't tell us the truth- instead of the pretty picture they painted for us of kidney failure, no pain, and eventually she will "fall asleep"- has turned to a gurgling, moaning, begging, excruciatingly painful existence.

Waiting to die.

Begging to live.

Trying to breathe.

mom and sister trying in vain to comfort.

There is nothing more we can do.

Always Here For You.

2009-02-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

Once Upon a Time

2009-02-07T03:40:00.000-08:00

Once Upon a Time there was me. The old me. The old times.

I am sad. I feel lonely and depressed. My husband's arms bring no comfort and I am scared. He can't protect me anymore. He can't protect me from dying. No one can. And I am scared.

My sister is dying. I am sad. The human language does not have the words to describe my feeling. Perhaps "The deepest sadness"? Or maybe not THE deepest, but pretty fucking deep.

My poor sister. Children abusers and rapists deserve what is happening to her body. It is just a tragedy.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired. I recognize depression and shock. I will deal with that later. right now it's all about her. Want to live a regular life. But can't anymore due to the realization that we will all die. Someday. Who knows when?

Craig sees me on teh computer all the time and says "Where are your friends?" I really don't know where they are. With the exception of two really good friends, there are some that I guess weren't really good friends after all.I try to tell him that it's hard to be social at these times anyway due to always being at the hospital or takign the kids, going to school, always back and forth. But he wont hear it. Maybe it's better that way, and that's okay, too. I'm not much fun these days.

Or maybe it's just awkward for them. I try to remember the times when someone would tell me a family member died. I really don't remember, but I probably wasn't as sensitive as I should have been, I'm sure.

I guess I really never grasped the whole death thing. Death is permanent. Like the real permanence. Like once you die, that's it, you go heaven or whatever, but your life here is through.

I miss my sister. A lot. Even though she is still here, she's not, you know? She is in those times when basically your soul is ready to leave but your body isn't. I will miss her until I die I guess. Who knows?

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am a little late this year on my New Year's Resolutions. As the New Year begins, I decided to cut myself a little slack and let my official "start date" for them to begin on Monday, which is 5 days into the New Year.

1) Backup Pics: I can't begin to express how extremely important this is, I am going to allgen sometime next week to get am external hard-drive.

2) Weightloss: I want to lose my last 30- 35 pounds this year. See my BLOG to learn more about my fitness plans for this year.

3) Get out of debt and start saving money. I recently paid off two of my long-term debts. It feels great. I have significantly reduced my debt over the last year and my plan is to eliminate of come close to eliminating the rest of my debt this year.
I want to start saving money instead of spending it. A little bit goes a long way and I want my family to be stable in the long-run.

4) Once again, winning the monetary lottery is one of my goals for the year. My life is't perfect, but it would be damn close if I had a few million.

5) I am going to get back into the Scrapbooking world this year. I would love to be published again.

6) Garage sale: I have been saving a lot of stuff in preparation of a Garage Sale. I nee dthe extra cash and I have a lot of stuff I need to get rid of. I would like to plan this in March or April...but it will probably happen in June.. ;)

7) Be a better caregiver: My mom and my sister need me, but so does my family at home. I want to help my sister gain independence by helping her to eliminate or reduce her pain and it is time for me to step in and be my mother's medical advocate. My family at home also needs me so I must find a way to give everyone the time they need from me.

Craig and Julian also made Resolutions this year:

Julian's Resolutions:
1) go to the movies : we saw Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa yesterday, resolution down!

2) take a family picture: this boy is definitely my son! he wants to somehow get a picture of every single member of his family. that would be brilliant, if not impossible, but somehow i will try and do this for him, or get as close as possible.

3) Take a trip to the beach: Once again, Julian proves he is my offspring: we NEED to take a trip to the beach- and the sooner the better!

4) Spend time with other family members: he wants to visit family members that h(w)e have never met before. Sounds cool, I will arrange this, I have a cousin who lives in Rockport, maybe we could knock out 3 & 4 together!

Craig's Resolutions:

1)Print 1000 pictures: As he put it, they aren't really pictures until they are printed. Good point.

2) Stuff around the house: We need a garden ,a greenhouse, a new water heater, a retaining wall, sod and grass in the front yard.

3) Fix our cars: our cars are in desperate need of repair and maintainence. We need to do this.

Happy Hanukkah!

2008-12-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

Homemade Gifts

2008-12-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

It is so cold.

2008-12-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

It is so cold where I am right now.
I am shivering.
I can hear a lonely dog barking somehwere echoing.
Hanukkah is tonight.
I have hope. I have a lot.
I love my family.
I love where I am right now.
I don't want to take anything for granted.

Scarves Among Other Things

2008-12-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

I am making scarves.

My Dad is in the hospital and while I am there I make scarves.

So many people ask me about them. They are fascinated.

We all love the colors of the yarn.

While I am at home and thinking, I make scarves.

I have made 5 so far.

I think I want to make 12, but I will probably make more.

I like making them.

Making scarves is a good way to pass the time.

I'm giving them away to family and friends this year.

I think they are special.

*******

I will probably be making that into a book for maya. peace.

say a prayer for my dad. he's doing better, and still in icu, but hopefully out soon.

Good Thoughts, Prayers, Whatever

2008-12-04T13:23:00.000-08:00

I need your well wishes and prayers and good thoughts and anything else positive you wish to throw my Dad's way.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday he was admitted into the hospital for congestive heart failure. There was a lot of fluid in his lungs and chest.

They scheduled him for a stint and exploratory surgery that revelaed he has a heart disorder that could quie possibly be hereditary and so now I have to worry about myself and kids and my Dad.

My Dad is getting a valve/artery replacement and bipass surgery today. He is still in. Open-heart surgery was one of his worst nightmares and now it's happening to him. I think somehow he knew it was going to happen.

So if you think about me today, say a prayer for my Dad.

This year is a bitch and I can't wait 'till it's over.

Happy Birthday

2008-12-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

3 Years ago today I was sitting in a waiting room waiting to meet my duaghter. A few hours later I held the most precious gift Life had given me.

She is a monster. A girl. A Princess. A heathen. Makes me want to scream. Makes me smile and cry.

We made pink cupcakes this morning.

She is sick. We all are, actually. We have this upper respiratory shit that won't quit.

I took her to school anyway. We were about a half hour late. I wanted her to go. What better thing for a 3 year old girly girl than to have pink cupcakes at snack with your friends? Or Ballet class? with a teacher who cares enough about you to kiss you on your cheeks and think nothing of it?

I told her teacher Mirez to call me if she seemed like she needed to come home. Just in case.

My daughter is so very lucky and I intend to keep it that way.

I love her more than life itself.

New Scrapbook Room

2008-11-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

I have recently been fortunate enough to receive some shelving from Victoria (Scrapbook Heaven) so I was able to get rid of my wire paper racks and move in the wood ones.

Craig was my inspiration to redo my room. He convinced me I was never gonna finish the projects I needed to unless I renovated my SB room. So that's what I did. It's not completely done (flooring & some organization still needs to be done), but I think it's a great start, don't you?

2008-11-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

Anyone want a puppy??

2008-11-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

we still have one available. they were bred for temperament, protection, and intelligence. females only left.

Me and My Tally Girls

2008-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

SSM Goddesses

2008-11-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

www.softsensuousmoves.com

GODDESS NIGHT '08

Getting Rid of Puppies

2008-11-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

And then Teddy Jr. puked in the tub. :(

Still

2008-11-14T14:08:00.000-08:00

Still here.

Still waiting.

Still living.

Still not cancer-free.

Still scrapping.

Still happy.

Still renovating.

Still blogging.

Babies!!

2008-10-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

With my great-nephew Allister, isn't he precious??!!

Teaparties

2008-10-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

School

2008-10-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Puppies!

2008-10-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hi

2008-09-20T21:16:00.001-07:00

I am still around, just pretty sick right now. I have teh beginnings of a bad cold, but I'm trying to fight it off.

My sister is at home, adjusting to her new life. I visit her a few times a week while my kids are in school mostly and sometimes I take Maya over.

My car was broken into, or the guy TRIED to break in, but my neighbor gave chase and scared him away, but my neighbor's toe got injured in the chase. Note to self: AT THE LEAST, send my neighbor a thank you note.

LIfe is just pretty crazy right now.

Reading

2008-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

Update

2008-08-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

Still in the hospital.. I have 3 kids.. back and forth to the hospital.. holding hands.. tired.. happy... content...swimming lessons.. we are lucky... decisions to make.. back to school...

2008-08-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

Please think well wishes

2008-08-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for your well wishes for my sister...

If you are taking the time to read this, please take the time out to think well wishes for my sister, Margaret, who is in surgery or right out of it as we speak.

I love you.

Catching up....

2008-07-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am very very tired... I haven't blogged in a month. I feel old. And considering I am only 29, I don't think it's good.

My sister is not doing so well right now.. :( I wish I could say she is all better, but I can't. She is having a major surgery; call me old-fashioned, call me what u will, I am not at liberty to say what surgery she is getting, but it will be life altering and requires about a month in the hospital and several months recovery.

It is a blow to the entire family, I can't even imagine what my sister's going through.

In a way, it is like a birth or death in the family.. All of everything is put on the backburner for a while and it is all about that person...cancer is like that.

My sister left the state to get a second opinion. The second opinion confirmed what we didn't want to believe with the first opinion- that she needs this surgery.

In the course of less than a year, our entire lives will change. My sister will be a completely differnet person physically, she already is, she has lost a LOT of weight in very little time. Crazy. Just crazy.

The journey goes on.

Bachelorette Party

2008-06-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

While I'm posting pics of the wedding, might as well post some from the bachelorette party, fun fun fun!

More Pics From Sarah's Wedding and After...

2008-06-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

Me n Mrs. D

Trying to get in the car

Afterparty at Hardbodies, Jess' Farewell.. :(

On E.Craig St.

Sarah's Wedding

2008-06-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

First Kiss

Mrs. D

Centerpiece

Me N Jess

Money Money Money MonAY

2008-06-17T06:08:00.001-07:00

I need money. This has never been a secret.

I need about $10,000 at least.

I must get a job. Unfortunately my options are limited due to a number of factors such as:
1)I will not put my kids in daycare
2)my cosmetology lisence is expired, I must take renewal classes, which costs MONEY
3)even if I did get my cosmetology lisence renewed, I will not be able to work normal hours since I won't put my kids in daycare
4)if I get a job, I will have to wait at least a couple of weeks until I get paid, which REALLY sucks because I need money NOW.
5)I could apply for a credit card, but oh yeah, no job, no credit, my husband's credit is horrible, too

Unfortunately the only way that my money problems will be solved is with money. There is no other way around it.

It's so funny how when I look at the number $10,000, I think some people must be laughing at me, it's not a whole lot of money to some people.
But it would make a world of difference to us.

I am at a standstill, I have no idea what to do.

Congrats to Sarah!

2008-06-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

Congrats to Sarah Brown who will be getting married on Saturday!! Best wishes for a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage!
Me & Sarah- she is tall, I am SHORT!

The Spread, was freaking delicious!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE her dress, it has POCKETS!!!<

div style='clear:both; text-align:CENTER'>

Feeling better!

2008-06-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a bit better than I have in a while today. Like the every day routine of things isn't so ordinary today. It's refreshing.

I love summer!

Been doing a summer camp thing with the kids... took them to the Library. It was so much fun. I can't believe how amazing the library is!

We got our renewal cards and paid our fine. ;) We rented a few DVDs and checked out a TON of books- the limit is 50!! Jess, I thought about you!

Debbie Downer

2008-06-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been depressed, unmotivated, and really, really tired. My anxiety level is way up and I have trouble falling asleep.

I attribute a lot of it to hormones.. TMI but I havent been using birth control and now that I am taking the pill, I am sooo nuts. I have been trying different pills hoping that somehow I will be able to find one that doesn't jack me up. So far: Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, and just started LoEstrin24FE.

I just feel so blah..

Oh, no, don't tell my Mom!!!

2008-05-12T06:45:00.001-07:00

Seriously

2008-05-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it's been almost 2 months since I've last blogged. I am obviously VERY busy.

My sister is stil sick. It looks like we are finishing up this thing. She has one more round of chemo to go.. If it kills the cancer, then she will be done, we think.. If it doesn't, she may need an operation. She is tired. She gets horrible hip and joint pain. She is bald. My husband shaved his head instead of me. I passed the torch to him. We're ready for this thing to be over. She is ready to get on with her life.

Craig and I are closer than ever. I am more convinced now than I ever have been that he is my soul mate. I am lucky.

My children are growing stronger and smarter every day. We may put the boy in piano and the girl in dance. I also want to get them into some kind of sport... You know, the whole suburban living thing. It agrees with us..

Scrapbooking has taken a backburner to cleaning and just general life. Unfirtuantely what you give to one area of life, you must take away from another.. There are just times when certain things must get a rest. I think I am resting my scrapbookign right now. I need to figure out what is the best path for me as far as scrapbooking.
I couldn't ever give it up, but I need to figure out how I can fit it into my life amd still do it as much as I want to, which is a lot. I now also have to figure in workign out into my time management plan. It's extremely difficult.

news

2008-03-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted over here in a while.. here's some news:

i fit into a size 8 now!

one of the things i've been meaning to do is starting to come to fruition and is a major possiblility now. unfortunately, i am not at liberty to say what it is.. :(.. sorry.

my sister is doing great. we are in the final stages of this thing hopefully..crossing fingers.. praying.. having faith..

craig and i are probably at the best place we ever have been in terms of our relationship. i am so in love wiht him right now it is scary.

i'm thinking about getting a new tattoo soon. not REAL soon, but soon. and possibly a body piercing. i am still in my twenties, y'all!

i am just in love with everything right now. stupid, i know.

Hondo & Brandi's Wedding

2008-03-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sara & Josh's Wedding

2008-03-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Updates

2008-02-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

1) I checked the IRS website and we should be getting our check tomorrow. Now I know what I would like to spend it on, namely a bad vacuum purchase and my favorite store's gold card.. and a couple of other mistakes we won't mention, lol..Anyway, Craig also knows what he needs to spend it on as well. I think I will propose to him that we split it.

2) My sister is in the hospital today and tomorrow. I have three rowdy kids here now. :) The Doctor said the cancer is where they want it so they can put these diodes in and zap! it. The miracles of modern technology.

3) I have TWO wedding's I'm gearing up for this Saturday.
One is my nephew's wedding I did the invites design for.. the other is my good friend Sara who is marrying her babydaddy Josh. ;) I'm beat.. I was supposed to do my nephew's bride's hair, but some drama happened and I am not gonna do it after all.. SO now I am going to do Sara's hair AND makeup before her wedding at 3 on Saturday..My nephew's wedding is at 7.. BUT my kids are in the wedding and I'm not even sure what is gonna happen the day of..

Finally Debt Free??

2008-02-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

After doing my taxes and the math, I think that this year might be the year we are finally debt free!!

I'm not going to count my eggs before they hatch, because I know ANYTHING can happen, and it surely does, but if everything works out, we might finally be able to keep the money we make instead of paying bills! How wonderful would that be??

It has been a long hard road full of learning experiences that have taught us many lessons. We have had a lot of thinking to do over the past 5 or so years about finances and where we'd like to be financially.

(Plans are being made for a new possible business venture/dream...stay tuned!)

Craig and I are growing as individuals and as a couple. Our family is becoming complete as well...(plans are being "drawn up" for another expansion in the next few years in this area as well!) :) Of course, just because of who we are, our relationship must undergo constant re-evaluation and inventory as well as regular maintenence.

I'm just very excited about the future and my life and where it is headed and just wanted to share that I am so happy right now. In spite of everything that's happened over the past 6 months or so, we deserve to have some good. We've always had each other, but now we'll perhaps have a bit of security and comfort.

another day

2008-02-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

I sent out my Creating Keepsakes Hall of Fame 2008 entry today. Hooray, me!

In the midst of all this craziness going on I found the need and the ability to put this together. I wish me the best of luck. :)

RIP Eric Thomas Pierce 1988-2008

2008-02-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

My nephew Eric died yesterday morning in a horrible car accident.

I don't know any details, but I am so sorry and saddened for my sister and her family.

He leaves behind a wife and a baby son.

His car.

Great news!

2008-02-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard yet, Rusty Pickle wants my lamp for their CHA booth!!

Yay!! How awesome is that?? They sent me an AWESOME box of goodies and the lamp will probably travel with their booth!

So freakin' cool!

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

2008-02-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

I used to have a t-shirt with that on it. It used to make me laugh, now it's true, LOL..Oh, my...

UPDATE ON MY SISTER:
Her counts were low, so she skipped two weeks of chemo. She has chemo on Monday, then two weeks off. At some point, she will be spending soem time in the hospital for treatment. She gets readiation every day. Still having stomach issues, and geeting information from everywhere, a lot of it very comfusing.

Today was registration at Maya's preschool. I didn't know. I walked in on time, only to find out that today was the day I should have walked in early. I was #65. ANd to make matters worse, I didn't have the $100 registration fee. And I had to basically announce to the other parents that I couldn't pay it, or her tuition for another month or so. I am so humilitaed.

If you have it, you have it. If you don't, you don't. And we definitely don't right now. And it's hard. Really hard.

I"m not here to sugar coat anything. And I'm not complaining. I just look forward to a time when we can live comfortably. That is all. Adn I'd like to get a mani/pedi once in a while, LOL. I miss those days.

Looking forward to our tax return, it seriously will rescue us.

People take for granted the ability to go the store and buy bread or gas. Having hard times teaches you not to take anything for granted and appreciate what you have, each other in our case.

I've been TAGGED!!

2008-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by Nicole!

Here are the rules:
1.You have to post the rules before you give the answers.

2.You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle or maiden name.

3.After you got tagged you need to update your blog with your answers.

4.At the end of your blogpost,you need to tag a person. Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they have been tagged,and that they read your blog for details.

My middle name and my maiden anme are the same....
A- I'm an artist!
L- I'm loving.
G- I'm very gullible.
U- Of course I'm unique!
E- I'm an eager beaver. ROFL.
S- I'm a scrapbooker, duh!
E- I'm oh so effervesent!
V- I'm vulnerable at times.
A- I can't think of another "a".. sorry!

Whew! That was hard! I'm tagging Roni !!!

It never ends!!!

2008-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

I have fully accepted the fact that 2008 is going to be a drama-filled year. I have already had enough going on this month for the rest of the year! FOr the love of GOd, it never ends.

I joke to my sister and my husband that people online must think I am lying about my life because it all seems like too damn much. Seriously.

I am finally starting to develop a routine when it comes to my ister and her treatments and everything. I see her pretty much every day. I drive her every day. I cook for her almost every day. I love her so much, I'm just trying to make ANYTHING easier for her. It's the least I can do.

My sister was my mom when my mom couldn't be growing up. She's 18 years my senior and her son, my nephew is only a year younger than me. My sister could be my mom, and in many ways she is.

Speaking of my mom, I accidentally came across a loaded gun in her drawer in the room where our kids play every day. Other kids including my stepdaughter, my niece, and my kids' friends have played in that room, feet, inches away from that loaded pistol. It was in the LOWEST drawer. Filled with scarves. In a zippered gun case.

She lives with us (at the moment she is in VA with my eldest sister) and she NEVER told us she had it. NEVER. ANd it was LOADED. A bullet in the cahmber and a full magazine. You can imagine all the scenarios that could have played out if the kids had found it. And it is the last straw.

My mother has this thing that she thinks what people don't know won't hurt them. In this case, she could have been dead wrong.

My children, OTHER PEOPLE's children could have died or been severely injured. If another person's kid found it, we could be in serious trouble. At the least, our kids could have been taken from us.

WE are upset to say the least.

We will be packing her things and she will have to find another place to live.

I am sad and very upset.

I called her and her response infuriated me. "I forgot" is what she said. I'm sorry, but "I forgot" doesnt bring back dead kids.

And that's where I'm at right now.

Insomnia

2008-01-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired.

But I'm still up.

I suppose I could go lie down in bed and wait to sleep, but I know I'll be there awhile.

I usually don't have problems falling asleep.

I'm tired.

My back hurts a bit from bad posture sitting in this chair.

I smell cat poop somewhere. Hopefully the kitty litter box.

I want to go to bed, but I know my mind won't let me sleep.

I'm thinking about my sister.

I;'m thinking about my account.

I'm thinking about my kids.

I'm thinking about my career, or lack thereof.

I'm just thinking.

About everything. EVERYTHING.

Why? I'm not sure. I can't really explain why.

I think I'll try and go to bed.

New Haircut!

2008-01-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

Two New Blogs!

2008-01-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I"ve posted this before, but just wanted to let everyon eknow I have two new blogs:

My Fitness Blog & LSS in Review.

My Fitness Blog is just that- I'm blogging my journey to wellness and fitness. I post my weight each week, measurements each month and general helth and wellness stuff. It's pretty cool, I've lost about 5 pounds in 3 weeks so far.

LSS in Review is me reviewing LSSs around the city and hopefully around the world if I ever get to travel anywhere. I may even have guest correspondents!

Haircut!

2008-01-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

I drastically changed my hair. I cut it to chin length.

I like it, but I'm still not used to it, pics to come!

Today

2008-01-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

I feel a little better today than I did yesterday..

I want to scrapbook. I'm ready to. The only thing is, do I scrap my work or scrap for fun?? I put in a vote for fun, even though I am in need of some cash... sigh
Before I start scrapping, tho, I need to clean my SB room. ayayay

My hair is completely insane. It's huge and damaged and has a HORRID haircut, thanks Style America. Weve decided to cut our hair short instead of shaving it. She doesn't know yet if she is going to lose her hair, we'll still shave our heads. If not, we both need a change. I'm gonna do the Katie Holmes-Cruise..

We're prob gonna do it tomorrow. Or maybe the weekend, depending on how tired she is. She doesn't want to do it today because she didnt sleep at all last night.

I"m tired today. I did a bit of cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, and some laundry already so I'm feeling a bit better about the state of the house.

I taught Salsa Pole last night. It was a free demo as an intro to Salsa Pole. Fun fun fun.. I had a great time and I think my students did, too!

I NEED to get my oil changed today!

Just a vent.. If you don't want negativity, don't read this!

2008-01-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

I need to vent. About a lot of things.

I'm tired. The weather is depressing, too. So far everyone I"ve talked to today is having the same day.

Dell sucks. That is all. Crying.

Money- LOTS of crying. I need money. I think I have to get a job. Either that or start woking on stuff here I have at home and get PAID! Right, with all the free time I have. Hey I could use my blogging time to do that!

Cancer is a bastard. No one ever tells you about the other stuff that happens when you get cancer. A lot like how they don't tell you about pooping on the table when you have a kid. I didn't do that, but Jenny McCArthy did, LOL.

Anyway, the constipation is killer. Everyone gives you conflicting information about what you can & cannot do, what you can and cannot eat, what meds you can and cannot take. It's very confusing and overwhelming, I can only imagine how my sister feels. Also, you may poop black stuff that is ashy. Also, the gas driving to and from Dr's office is enough to break you. Seriously. All these little things add up.

I seriously wish there was more I could do without killing myself and completely neglecting my family. As it is, my house that was starting to look so wonderful looks like a complete shithole again. And my husband feels somewhat neglected, though he is so amazing through all of this because he's had to go through it before with his mom and his aunt. He's seen sisters- one with cancer and one taking care and having a family, too. He totally gets it. I am very lucky.

I am still tired. My eyes hurt from crying.

That is all.

STILL

2008-01-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am STILL having computer issues. I am so annoyed with Dell. Their products suck. Do not buy them. However, if you feel the need to buy a sucky product with great customer service and tech support, go right ahead. Next time it's Mac for me.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-06T06:09:00.001-08:00

With everything that's been happening, I've forgotten my New Year's Resolutions:

1) Get out of debt. That was one of my resolutions last year, but I'm still not out of debt, so it's still on the list. Last year I started the New Year $800 in debt, this year, about $500. LOL at least it's an improvement, but how about $0??? That sound MUCH better.

2) Lose 40 pounds and be healthier. Last year it was to lose 50 pounds. I lost 10. So this year it's 40 pounds. And I'll add "be healthier".

3) Win the lottery. I played more and checked my numbers more. This year I'm gonna play all the same numbers every time. I will win. I know it. I can feel it.

4)Be published again and win a BIG contest. Last year I was published in Scrapbook Trends Wedding Idea Book coming out this year....I want to win either HOF or SBOY this year. Something big. I'd like to win that. I'd also really like to be pubbed again in anything.

What a way to start the freakin' year

2008-01-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

My sister has cervical cancer.

We are really close, she practically raised me as she is like 18 years older than me.

I am in shock. I am sad. I am so scared for her.

I'm not really scared that she's going to die, I am more afraid of what she has to go thru.

She's gonna get radiation and chemo treatments starting next week. She is at the Dr's office finishing up all her myriad of tests to get ready for all that.

She's gonna lose her hair. I dont know why that makes me so sad. Her beautiful curly thick hair. I just cant imagine her sick and bald. It's going to be surreal.

We will shave our heads together. I want a Britney wig. I will donate my hair to locks of love. We're gonna have a head shaving party.

I am crying. Julian asked me why.

I said: "Because I'm sad about my sister being sick and I wish she didn't have to be."
He said: "Mom, just think about when she's gonna feel better after she gets well and then you'll feel better."

Did I tell you he's only 5?

I do feel a little better.

She's not going to die. She will get better. She's gonna kick cancer's ass.

New Blogs, New Year, New Me

2008-01-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

I will be starting TWO new blogs this year.

The first is my fitness blog. I'm gonna get healthy and fit and happy this year. I will focus on my diet, weight, excercise programs, obstacles, etc.

The second is my new LSS in review blog. I will be reviewing LSSs around my city, state, and hopefully eventually the country and maybe even the world. But first things first, I will start here in SA./

As of about 30 minutes ago, I had no hard drive or internet access. My old computer has completely died. I hope to make a day trip up to Austin to chant, pray, meditate, and hopefully do some data recovery. I'll post updates on if they could recover any of my tens of thousands of photos.

BACK IT UP OR DIE!

Unappreciated

2007-12-22T09:47:00.001-08:00

My husband does a lot for his employers.

To say he is unappreciated is an understatement.

He is used, verbally abused, and underpaid.

This year we received no holiday bonus.

Not that it was a surprise, but it just really sucks.

He's worked there for over a decade.

Wow. Just, wow.

Year-End Recap

2007-12-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

January I decided to lose weight by joining weight watchers and made my resolutions.

February I signed up with Soft Sensuous Moves to take the Art of the Strip classes.

March I was still losing weight and did Race for the Cure- supassed my goal of $1500.

April I forgot about my blog.

May I still was not blogging and was still polin' and scrappin' a LOT.

June I went to NYC.

July I went on vacation, read Harry Potter, and geared up for Garage Sales.

August I was vacationing and scrapping and the kid started school.

September I started my Salsa Pole classes and started my Monday challenges.

October I discovered a love for altered books and had garage sales.

November I was on the news and had a huge blow up with the in-laws.

December I am deciding to lose weight again, getting ready for christmas and am still not talking to the in-laws.

Polin'

2007-12-17T09:38:00.000-08:00

2007-12-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

quite possibly my favorite pole dancing pic to date

2007-12-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

Love this pic

2007-12-17T09:28:00.001-08:00

Handy Woman

2007-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

I tiled my entryway, foyer whatever u want to call it....

I did it myself. I got tired of waiting. So I took matters into my own hands. It's amateur tile work, but it looks cool and much better than it did before!

I even added a little mosaic work because I hate and loathe the tile cutter. A man totally made that up. I am going to find an easier way.

I'm going to tile my SB room. i promise you.

Pardon the Mexican blanket... it's a draft blocker for the front door.

It's the Holiday Season...

2007-12-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'm definitely feeling the Holiday buzzzzz

I want to shop! I want to make stuff! I want to bake! I want to give!

Oh so fun!

our menorah

2007-12-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Hanukkah!

2007-12-06T15:51:00.001-08:00

Dreidel dreidel dreidel

2007-12-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

Sufganiyot... doughnuts made for hanukkah...with raspberry jam.. yum!

2007-12-06T15:49:00.000-08:00